I almost called you.
I almost fucking called you
I swear I was about to,
but I remembered
all the reasons why
I felt the way I did
in the first place.
Why things are like this
as of right now.
Why waste a few seconds
of my time
on a pain that
feels like it will last
I almost called you.
This is how I imagine you would feel at this moment, like the rest of the world is frozen and it’s just you two; together for what would seem like forever.
I want to paint a Samurai Champloo background on my wall. Then maybe have FMA on another wall. Even though I have other favorite animes those two are a definite must. And I could figure out what the rest of the blank space would be. I just want to be surrounded by more visual art instead of staring at blank white walls.
It’s either you pick up the pieces, or someone else does.. Or even worse, you leave them there [behind]. Not out of choice or because you refuse; you just simply can’t. Like touching a hot stove or putting back together something broken. And a part of you is lost for good, and sometimes a certain someone is gone forever. They always tell you to move on, but I’m down and out still missing a large piece of me (which was you). Someone who was a part of my daily life and even who I saw my future with. I don’t want this or you to be replaced. I just want what I lost back. Because there isn’t any other way I would have it. I’d rather have a million fights with you rather than not talk to you at all. But I guess we don’t always get what we want, and we learn that the hard way. We’re suppose to keep on living, at least that’s what most people would say. I’m not most people, and you knew that from the very beginning. In a crowded room I could still have my mind focused on you. In a sea full of faces you were the only one that stands out. And if I closed my eyes and could only hear your words… your voice.. I could easily find my way back to where I needed to be. Your laugh was unmistakeable. Your touch left imprints underneath my skin. I knew you so well without having to say a word. Because your face, your expressions, your love told it all. And your body followed. I never knew how much space there was in between my fingers and hands until you weren’t holding them anymore. And it sucks. To know that I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore. Not even hold you in your own thoughts. I’m sure you have already let go by now. And I’m just trying to reach back into what cannot be grasped anymore. I can only remember how things used to be 😔
You live in my thoughts, my head, my writings. You live in these pictures, but when you left.. A part of me died, just so you could live. Because there was no room for the both of us. You wanted things your way and I saw things my way. So we had to take different roads. And I just hope it’ll lead me back to you. You were like.. the part about going home. The streets were so familiar and you knew every corner on the way. The ins & the outs and where to turn. And when I had nobody else I wanted to turn to you. But you were nowhere to be found. Because you live in the places that can’t be reached. And all I saw was red… and you.. Because you need a dark place and negatives to help develop a picture. But you were the only one in it. All I could do was watch. Watch you develop along without me. While I let myself open and exposed. And that’s not where or how I wanted it to be. It’s true pictures don’t change even if the people in it do, but the way you look at them can. And I wish you still looked at me the same..
But when you’re in this deep such as I am, everything else is irrelevant. It defies logic when you feel like this and it doesn’t make sense. You just have all these feelings racing and rushing underneath your skin and through your face and body; all at once. A wave of just an empty void while being full of emotions at the same time. Time doesn’t heal anything. It’s just a concept created by man. You can bury the past all you want, but it will still be there. As for me, memories are all we have. Creating new ones to forget about the old ones or for whatever reason. And she was my favorite memory. At this specific point and time in my life I just wanted (us) to be forever. I wanted us to be infinite. In a loop that never ends and we’re still together. People will tell you this and that. But it’s different for every single one of us. And even when the truth and facts are right in front of us. Our hearts, our bodies, and our minds.. they all lead me to you no matter the outcome or situation. I’m stuck in this rut of never ending sadness. And it’s such an understatement to use that term because what I feel now is that to the power of 10 and furthermore. My love for her was exponential. Like a hyperbola… With all it’s curves like the line of your smile or the outlines of your body; the way I would trace them with my lips. My love for you was always growing and never ending. Even when we had a few negative problems the outcome was always positive. At least that’s what I thought. At least that’s what I still want to believe. But sometimes you have these undefined variables and the solution is… imaginary. I just wish we can go back to square one and work it out. Because I was taught to check my answer twice and even once more, until it was true. And with no surprise, no matter how I added it up, it was always you. Always. You.
It’s sad how you probably won’t ever know how I feel like or what I’ve been through until it happens to you. And you’re probably not even sorry as well. And it’s even more pathetic that I have my own friends telling me that they see you commenting on all these other guys pics etc..
I didn’t even wanna hear the rest of it. I’m starting to believe my friends and more importantly, myself. That you’re not worth it anymore. You really did lose me and everything that I had to offer. Fuck you Justyce, waste of an investment. Not one ounce and not one part of your body is even worth loving or caring for. Congratulations, you fucking win.
You think you know a person.. until they do the unexpected. Because you can never fully know someone or what they’re going to do. And I accepted that fact a long time ago. I just wish it wasn’t you. To lose hope, to drop the ball, to begin to have doubt. I wish it wasn’t you.. I know to not put my happiness in other people’s hands because they’ll drop it every time. Maybe not now, but sooner or later they will. And the worse part is when you least expect it. And the past is just a blur now. We can’t even remember why we fought sometimes or why we would get mad. But we can always recall the good memories. And I always held on to them. I always will. Because that’s all I have left; even if I was out on the streets and didn’t own a damn thing. It didn’t matter who left who, you were all I had. The only thing I strived for. I would give up everything I own just to have you back again..
Long story short.. I’m tired af so apologize my not so thorough response. Although these past 2-3 years I’ve been living in Hawaii (Oahu). I’ve moved there for different reasons each time. Moving back to Hawaii and SoCal. Last summer I got into it real bad with my dad. He changed the locks on the doors etc so I couldn’t get in or anything. My spontaneous self bought a plane ticket to Hawaii the next day and just left.. Just left. No goodbyes or any of that crap. I moved back to SoCal last December. This January I went back to Hawaii again. I travel and move a lot.. For most of my life I’ve lived with my mom and my teenage years I lived with my dad. But no matter who I was living with I was raised by myself. Rents splint up when I was a kid. Mom worked 2/3 jobs and I never saw her. My dad and I, along w most dl my family, were never on good terms. He worked his ass off. He was in the navy for over 14+ years. There’s just so much… And I know this is just the tip of the ice berg. Although I love them both. They’re hard workers and it influenced me as well. Everything in my room(s) I’ve bought myself with my own hard earn money. Pay for my well being and lend money to my mom, close friends etc. I just want to give back when I can ya know? I want to own what’s mine by my own hard efforts. Life doesn’t give you much handouts. We have to work for it. And idk. I could tell you more, but what’s the fun in that?
I might write a few posts on my fam though. Lately I’ve just been jotting down my negative thoughts about “her.”
I’m planning on heading to New York and other parts of the East Coast maybe this summer. My mom also has a summer vacation house newly built in the Philippines (Tagaytay). So that should be fun af. I’m planning to go back to the Philippines in the summer with my best friend and maybe a few other pals. My dad also owns 5 acres of land in Colorado! So I really wanna check out the land sometime over the new few years. I wanna build a vacation house there of some sort.