Sometimes people can say the absolutely wrong fucking things at times. Whether it’s intentional or not I just wont stand for it. It’s those type of moments where nothing needs to be said, and silence is actually preferred.
They say you never know how much they mean until they’re gone. But I didn’t believe things had more meaning just because they were no longer with us. Either way, reality will come crashing down; whether you liked the idea or not, it’s something we cannot change. Even though you can understand the significance of a person, there’s nothing like actually losing them. The moment you realize they will no longer take another breath as their body grows cold and as they leave Earth, things start to change. It’s not that you don’t know what someone means just because they’ve passed away. It’s just the fact that you’d never expect them to. And today, the first thing I woke up to was a phone call from my mother. She told me you had gone away this morning, but I couldn’t believe it. Maybe I just didn’t want to accept it or couldn’t face the truth this time. Slowly but surely we all go away, some sooner than others. As if death has fallen in love with life and grabs what it can because of envy. And I only hope you’re enjoying the view from up there as the pain and suffering was left behind. May you find peace as you rest and one day I’ll join you, we all will. Much love cousin.
Sometimes it’s so hard to be honest with yourself.
It was a liquid summer. As time went by slipping through these hands of mine. I clenched my hand into a fist trying to hold on to whatever remained. In hopes of holding onto these moments and tying them together. Maybe there wasn’t enough hours in the day to get things done. Or maybe my time wasn’t used to it’s full extent. So then I put these days along my hips because they were a waist. And I couldn’t go back in time to rewrite what has already been written. It was eventually that time of year again. I wanted to freeze the months so they could last a little longer. I just didn’t want another liquid summer.
Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.
Another restless night that ended on a bad note. Even if I hit the right keys I don’t think my mood would change. Everything seemed to be out of tune. I just wanted some peace of mind so I could give my head a break. Sometimes there’s a few thousand thoughts that are surging through my mind like an unstable atom. On other occasions there’s only one thing that’ll stay on my mind for the entire day, sometimes the whole week or longer. I don’t know what to make of it at times. Although I wish I could just escape it all. The people, the thoughts, and everything else I was feeling. But soon enough you wont have to because you’ll gradually become numb. So when I come across this wave of emotions- I don’t know if it’s my natural instincts to stay strong or whether it’s the feeling of being needed.
I hate fighting with you. But what I hate more is coming home after a long day and having to hear more shit that irritates me. I don’t think this ongoing cycle will ever end. It feels like we’re back at square one. The time we shared and spent seems to be set back by a few simple actions or words. And I know it shouldn’t effect me, but it does. Years of dealing with it can really add up. My temper is a bit shorter and anything can set me off.
I just need to be alone
You were a body of water, an ocean away from me, but I could still feel you in my bones. Although I loathed the ‘I miss you’ words as if the salt in the sea wasn’t bitter enough. And with the touch of a button you would be on the other line. Wishing that I could have been transmitted right next to you instead of the sound of my voice. For the days it rained I wish I was the drops of water, waiting to fall and finding my way back to sea. How the waves reminded me of when I would push you on those swings, and those freezing nights where you would pull me closer. I miss those soft pressed lips every time the ocean breeze would kiss my cheek. And with a planet that’s surrounded by water, I just wanted to sea you.
I don’t look at the number of days, but more of the memories behind them. And soon enough the pieces of the puzzle come together one by one. There’s rarely a piece that is just ordinary. We tend to recall the good and bad days as for everything else in between. Just because we don’t remember certain things doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. Even the most plain day can have it’s effect on us. It’s normal to forget over time as we cannot always keep up with our past and what’s currently going on. But one of the most frightening things is to look back years later and ask yourself what happened. It’s what we have in the end; or should I say now, because we will never know when the end is. So we live our life with an ongoing collection of memories and past events. The actions we take are what add value to the days we live by. And even if you’re stripped of all your possessions and belongings or feeling down in the dumps. At least you have something to look back on. And when you look back, hopefully there’s something you can count for that’ll have good meaning or value. Let the memories you look back on be able to make you want to look forward to the road ahead.