Just when things couldn’t get any worse, it does. And I’m caught in the middle of it all as a bystander. Just one more thing on my plate to deal with. I hope things pan out because I honestly
cant take it much longer or anymore.

Take me back to Seattle.

Kira baby

Kira baby

I would rather have bad times with you than good times with anyone else.

AM Kidd - Heart Beat
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I would take you back in a heartbeat, I would. Just to feel your heartbeat again.

And this is why I can’t open up to anybody anymore. The first fucking thing you say to annoy me or that triggers my inner anger is when I’ll stop talking to you. I can’t blame the way I was raised. Because nobody was really there growing up. But it sure did greatly effect who I am today. I’m so out of touch and disconnected with my feelings and emotions to what others call normal. Fuck. I wish you two didn’t divorce. Especially at a young age I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I barely saw you both or my siblings because I was the baby in the family. I hated moving and moving and moving. I was a damn nomad and I wish I had a normal upbringing so I know what it’s like to feel normal and have that togetherness feeling. I’m so far down this road that there’s no turning back. Taking a different route and approach aggravates me at times. So much influenced me when I was a kid and I didn’t realize it till I was old enough to recall all the fucked up events I lived through. It’s so damn tiring trying to explain myself and past events that people ask about. You get annoyed from the routine questions. It makes you this way… Turns you into a higher level asshole that doesn’t know how to handle anything properly. I’m the product of all this mess and I’m trying to make the most out of everything. So much of my life is missing without you two in it.. I know you both tried giving it your all and I appreciate everything. Somehow I managed to end up this way. I’m not okay.

When was the last time you got hurt by someone? like really really hurt.

My last relationship really fucked me up pretty damn bad. I’ve written about it countless times (in detail) and I still haven’t gotten over her. My mind feels like it’s deteriorating and I’m not acting like my normal self. I stopped taking anti depressant and insomnia pills not too long ago. I tried to do everything in my power to just be ‘me’ and happy. It’s like a permanent scar. And please keep in mind, there are much more things going on. But she really fucked me up. She’s already moved on and so forth. I’ve been trying to, but some things you can’t control. I’m doing my best to hang in there and stop myself from taking my life every now and then. I’m still hurt and trying to recover.

All I can say is just read what I’ve already written. Many people ask me this and that, but it gets so tiring having to explain yourself over and over. I hate the things that remind me of her. I just want to be okay.

I did everything I could for that girl… I’d keep my promises even until this day. Just to show that there are good people out there who can keep their word and give them their all. Someone who never gives up and is always willing to make things work. But that’s the thing… You can’t force someone to realize how special or how great you are. Sometimes they lose interest and change how they feel about you in an instant. I’m not the type to give up. That’s why it’s hard letting go.

I can’t take it anymore.

Slept over my cousins house in SD and now we’re going paddle boarding. Today seems promising.

There are certain people out there who will spark a flame inside of you. A flame that will never go away or die. And it’s sad to say that those people who ignite these never ending flames may vanish in an instant. Memories and old feelings that will never extinguish no matter now hard you try. The burning sensation of trying to leave the past and move away from the ashes; of the old you. Your mere existence is just an ember in the back of my head. So badly do I want to forget all and all, but I do not want to put out the flame that once fueled my ambitions. Trusting someone and giving them your all is like playing with fire. You never know who or when you’ll be burned. And all you can do is be thankful for the warmth and light they have provided you. I would have set myself afire a hundred times just to keep you warm. But you are long gone, and I’m still trying to find ways to keep myself alive.