It was the first time I actually heard your voice in-real-time. Not the sound of old voicemails in my archive on my phone, nor the voices in my head that play like a broken record on repeat. My body had froze as if I’d seen a ghost when I saw your number across my screen calling. You don’t know how bad I have it. My anxiety is through the roof whenever you come to mind rushing in like a body of water; you are a force of nature. We haven’t spoken in what feels like forever. You took me by surprise when you called. To think that I had crossed your mind like an intersection. We didn’t fight this time. I think it’s because we had enough time to ourselves to finally get over that phase. Also, we never really had closure. I never saw you after things ended, and it definitely wasn’t pretty. Far from it to say the least. I was caught off guard while on the phone with you, and I didn’t know what to say. It was like reading a book with all the pages ripped out and words missing. My mind was blank, but all I could think about was you.
Thank you, for checking up on me. So badly did I want to text you, call you, and somehow see you; if that was possible, kind of like the old times. But I knew I couldn’t have what I wanted. I told you that sometimes I have to block your number and I’ve blocked you on social networks to refrain myself from bothering you. From disturbing you from what you wanted, which was space. You told me you moved on and that’s when I completely lost it. I tried so hard to get you out of my head and to not care. I tried immensely to move forward and pick myself back up again, but nothing I did worked. I just wanted you to be happy no matter where I stood in your life. I’d sacrifice whatever was necessary just know you were okay. And with all the progress I made trying so hard not to contact you and leave you in peace without me bothering you as always. So badly did I want to go back in time to the way things were. Everyday I’m reminded of you in someway and I can’t help it. You’re there in every corner of my mind. I’m probably sure it’s not like that for you, but I’m glad I came across your mind for even a second. Because sometimes a second can feel like forever. And sometimes you have to cherish what you can while it lasts. And I could have sworn I saw the rest of my life with you. Thanks for giving me hope yesterday. Its something I can hang onto when I just want to let go.
P.S. - Still missing you, as always.