Baby I’ve been missing those days,
if you wanna come and find me,
look on memory lane
My purebred Golden Retriever ran away because the stupid gardeners left the gate open. Fuck you stupid piece of shits good for nothing assholes. I will shoot you personally if you ever come near my property again.
Lately I’ve been taking prescription pills for my depression and insomnia. I’ve kept it to myself for the most part and I don’t like to admit that I’ve been on them. I felt as if I’ve tried everything else and wanted to see how they would effect me. And it’s funny how the side effects are always worse than what the medication intends to do. Such as thinking more, being restless, cause anxiety, thoughts of hurting yourself and others etc. And I was already feeling that way for a long period of time over these years. So I stopped recently and wanted to tough it out like how I always did. Finding my own way of handling things. I don’t want to be depending on pills or other medications as well. But it’s so hard to find that balance in your life when everything is knocking you down left and right. As of right now I still have a terrible case of insomnia and I’m still trying to cope with my feelings and anxiety to the best of my ability. There’s just a certain kind of sadness you can’t mask or get over. It just lingers there and comes out randomly or is triggered by past experiences. It’s a nonstop fight with yourself. Too many close calls where I’ve been suicidal, but I’m still here. I’m addicted to this life. I must remember to never lose faith. Believe me, I’m trying and giving my all to hang in there. I have to make it… because no one else will do it for me. We are born alone and die alone. And somewhere in between you fall in love with life. And I guess that’s what living is all about. Finding that one thing that keeps you going. And I have yet so much to accomplish before I’m gone. Don’t give up.. you have so much to prove.
The worse part is.. knowing that they’re okay without you. And you’re not okay without them. It really fucks you up bad and we’re never really the same after. As if there’s a whole in your chest and everything is caving in. What once kept us alive is now tearing us apart. And you come to a point where you can’t shut these feelings out. People tell you to move on and things will get better, but it’s not always that simple. There’s no on and off switch inside of me. I just wish I had some peace of mind in this war that’s going on inside of my head. These thoughts are killing me and that is no metaphor.
Staying at Port Orchard for my stay. Pretty amazing how close I am to the waterfront. I walk outside my room and this is the view. I’ll be taking the ferry tomorrow across the lake to Seattle where my adventure begins.
First class waiting room away from all the ruckus. Enjoying all the complimentary drinks etc. Cant wait to board already!
Definitely aiming to get more cut before my birthday comes around the corner. I needa stop eating so damn much :(
I’m headed to Seattle in a few days. As much as I’ve been dreading the fact that I’m always on the go, I honestly can’t wait. I have always wanted to visit the pacific north west and what it has to offer. I also have relatives from the other side of my family whom I have not met. My grandpa had a twin brother and separated many years ago. My grandpa was in WWII and captured by the Japanese in Philippines. Graciously, he managed to escape and reunite with with my grandma. Oregon is also another state I’d love to visit as well. Growing up all around SoCal and being surrounded by the fast-pace city life and everything else it has to offer. It makes you miss scenic views far away from the concrete jungles or populated suburbs. Constantly bumping into others and always hearing sirens. I’m definitely looking forward to this trip though. It’s another place I’ll be able to check off my list.
I still have the Chapstick you gave me when I forgot mine. I still have the letters we wrote each other. I still have some receipts of the places we ate. I still replay the old memories in my head as if they happened yesterday. I still remember the day we first met and every date after that. I still remember all the things I would do just to see you. I still wonder how life would be if we worked things out. I still think about you even when I have a million other reasons not to. I still wish we were close like how we were before. I still wish you cared. I still wish you kept your promises. I still wish there was a part of you that still believed in us.. Because I still love you, more than you’ll ever know.