I’m headed to Seattle in a few days. As much as I’ve been dreading the fact that I’m always on the go, I honestly can’t wait. I have always wanted to visit the pacific north west and what it has to offer. I also have relatives from the other side of my family whom I have not met. My grandpa had a twin brother and separated many years ago. My grandpa was in WWII and captured by the Japanese in Philippines. Graciously, he managed to escape and reunite with with my grandma. Oregon is also another state I’d love to visit as well. Growing up all around SoCal and being surrounded by the fast-pace city life and everything else it has to offer. It makes you miss scenic views far away from the concrete jungles or populated suburbs. Constantly bumping into others and always hearing sirens. I’m definitely looking forward to this trip though. It’s another place I’ll be able to check off my list.
I still have the Chapstick you gave me when I forgot mine. I still have the letters we wrote each other. I still have some receipts of the places we ate. I still replay the old memories in my head as if they happened yesterday. I still remember the day we first met and every date after that. I still remember all the things I would do just to see you. I still wonder how life would be if we worked things out. I still think about you even when I have a million other reasons not to. I still wish we were close like how we were before. I still wish you cared. I still wish you kept your promises. I still wish there was a part of you that still believed in us.. Because I still love you, more than you’ll ever know.
I’m tired.. of living my life through packed luggages and a backpack. Ever since I was little I’ve always been on the go. My father was in the Navy and when I was 6 my parents divorced. I barely saw my parents due to them working so hard trying to make ends meet. My brother and sister were 5 years older than me. I didn’t really connect with them and I always felt out of place. My relationship with my family is so strange. It varies with each individual family member and I try to make the most out of it. Anyways, ever since I could remember I was moving from one place to another. I was born on a Navy base in Lemoore, California while my two siblings were born in the Philippines. So here I am 20 years later trying to get my life together. And it fucking sucks because I can’t even settle down. I don’t have a place to call home and all my belongings are scattered. From being kicked out my father’s house, moving out of my moms house, living with my uncle, or staying at my friends. I just need some consistency in my life. Something stable and I can call mine. I can’t build on what’s always changing because I’m constantly moving. It’s draining the life out of me. Maybe one day I’ll find a place to call mine and I don’t have to keep moving. I’m losing myself in the process..
It was the first time I actually heard your voice in-real-time. Not the sound of old voicemails in my archive on my phone, nor the voices in my head that play like a broken record on repeat. My body had froze as if I’d seen a ghost when I saw your number across my screen calling. You don’t know how bad I have it. My anxiety is through the roof whenever you come to mind rushing in like a body of water; you are a force of nature. We haven’t spoken in what feels like forever. You took me by surprise when you called. To think that I had crossed your mind like an intersection. We didn’t fight this time. I think it’s because we had enough time to ourselves to finally get over that phase. Also, we never really had closure. I never saw you after things ended, and it definitely wasn’t pretty. Far from it to say the least. I was caught off guard while on the phone with you, and I didn’t know what to say. It was like reading a book with all the pages ripped out and words missing. My mind was blank, but all I could think about was you.
Thank you, for checking up on me. So badly did I want to text you, call you, and somehow see you; if that was possible, kind of like the old times. But I knew I couldn’t have what I wanted. I told you that sometimes I have to block your number and I’ve blocked you on social networks to refrain myself from bothering you. From disturbing you from what you wanted, which was space. You told me you moved on and that’s when I completely lost it. I tried so hard to get you out of my head and to not care. I tried immensely to move forward and pick myself back up again, but nothing I did worked. I just wanted you to be happy no matter where I stood in your life. I’d sacrifice whatever was necessary just know you were okay. And with all the progress I made trying so hard not to contact you and leave you in peace without me bothering you as always. So badly did I want to go back in time to the way things were. Everyday I’m reminded of you in someway and I can’t help it. You’re there in every corner of my mind. I’m probably sure it’s not like that for you, but I’m glad I came across your mind for even a second. Because sometimes a second can feel like forever. And sometimes you have to cherish what you can while it lasts. And I could have sworn I saw the rest of my life with you. Thanks for giving me hope yesterday. Its something I can hang onto when I just want to let go.
P.S. - Still missing you, as always.
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