Just have too much fucking anxiety rn. I’m never steady or stable anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t be around anyone at all. Feel like disconnecting myself more from everyone. I’m losing it so bad right now. Fuck. I’ll probably end up moving out of the country again soon just on a whim. Because I feel the need to. I can’t keep this up. I don’t want to be around anyone anymore.
So much on my mind with these endless thoughts that never go away. I have said everything I wanted to and more. I have written you countless letters, ones that you’ll never read or see. The way I felt about you was never a secret. It’s been months upon months since I’ve seen you. The only places we meet are in my dreams. You live in my thoughts, and I can’t help but keep you alive. Your birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to do. We haven’t spoken in what feels like forever. We never ended on any good terms or had any type of closure. I gave you all of me and have left nothing for myself. I know I can’t keep blaming myself for what’s already done. But you were the closest thing I had to Love. There’s not too many things we have in this world. And what’s even more rare is to have someone make you feel the way you do. To do things just because and actually be happy for no reason. Because it didn’t matter what we did or where we were. I just wanted to be with you. I truly felt as if my life began when you walked in, and now you have left. You are nowhere to be found. Except in my thoughts and in my past. They all say to move on, but you’re the only thing that was keeping me alive. I’m still not over you.
I have all these numbers and contacts saved in my phone. But that’s all they are and ever will be; nothing more, nothing less. I’m tired of making the effort to spark a conversation when it’ll lead to nowhere. Always the first one to be hitting someone up or just checking up on them. Especially in times of need and they’re not able to give you a few minutes of their time, but can like a picture on Instagram or post a tweet. What the fuck has happened to people now a days?
Lately I’ve been going outside of my comfort zone and have been saying hi to random people. Even giving high-fives just for the hell of it. And you know what? Most people just walk right past me or give me a weird look when I try to greet them. Everyone’s so caught up in their technology that they live an entirely different life over social media and online networks. They have lost touch with their communication and people skills in person. It’s so easy to send a text, but more difficult for some to even say something simple as such as “hi.”
When’s the last time you ever talked to someone you didn’t know just for the hell of it? Go out there and try it. It doesn’t matter the type of reaction you get out of them. Because at the end of the day you shouldn’t let a device or piece of technology control you; or keep you in boundaries. Talk to one another by word of mouth. Don’t always depend on your phone or computer. A face-to-face conversation is always appreciated. You can see the person’s body language, facial expression, gestures, and so forth.
These are things that can’t be shown through a text or over the phone. Sure you can Skype and FaceTime, but it isn’t the same. There’s just something about personal interaction that cannot be replaced or duplicated by technology. You have to learn that by yourself. Communication is key, one that unlocks many doors.
All of you who keep disrespecting your partners, one day you’re gonna lose them.
And it won’t be just them. It’ll be your next partner, and your next partner and your next.
Because you will never learn.
Just when things couldn’t get any worse, it does. And I’m caught in the middle of it all as a bystander. Just one more thing on my plate to deal with. I hope things pan out because I honestly
cant take it much longer or anymore.